About 6 months ago my husband and I had to give up 2 little girls that we had been fostering for almost a year. The girls were sisters and were placed with us when they were 5 and 10. They were taken from their mother (my distant cousin) and father due to allegations of sexual abuse against the father. Their mother was ordered to keep the father out of their home and after she violated the order the children were removed from her custody. No one else in the family could take the girls and my husband and I took them to try and keep them out of the foster care system. We were told by DSS, the mother, and the lawyers involved in the case that it was a temporary situation and they would only be with us for a couple of months. Temporary turned in to long term and we had the girls for almost a year. They became a part of our family and we loved them very much.
When they first came to live with us it was very evident that they had some serious issues. The oldest wet the bed, had nightmares, and trusted no one. She was very angry and her anger resulted in tantrums, stealing, and lying. The younger girl was very anxious, cried for long spells, had nightmares and had reverted back to using diapers. We arranged for therapy for the girls and started reading everything we could about abuse and how to help them return to some sense of normalcy. Slowly things started turning around and we forged a bond with the girls, they started be more successful in school, and they started making friends.
After a year, we petitioned the court to get permanent custody. By this time we had learned that both the mother and father abused the children and the girls were also witnesses to repeated domestic violence acts between their parents. We were denied permanent custody because the parents were still involved in legal battles and they decided that they did not want to terminate their rights even though they told us they wanted us to raise the girls. The parents then decided that they did not want the children to be with any family members and the children were taken from us and placed in a therapeutic foster home. We had no rights regarding the children because we were not licensed foster parents but rather deemed as family custodial care.
This situation has been very difficult to deal with. We have not been allowed to talk with the girls or find out how they are doing or where they are living. We are allowed to bring gifts for them to DSS and they take them to their foster home. We have lost faith in the DSS system in NC and we do not understand why the children have to be the ones to suffer for their parents' mistakes. We had been thinking of becoming foster parents but after this situation we have decided that we would not be able to handle the heartbreak of losing kids, especially when we don't agree with the choices that are made on their behalf.
I wanted to know more about domestic violence in my state and the US and how it affects children. I found the following statistics on:
15.5 million U.S. children live
in families in which partner violence occurred at least
once in the past year, and seven
million children live in families in which severe
partner violence occurred.3
• The majority of
U.S. nonfatal intimate partner victimizations of women (two-thirds)
occur at home.4 Children are
residents of the households experiencing intimate
partner violence in 43 percent of
incidents involving female victims.5
• In a single day
in 2007, 13,485 children were living in a domestic violence shelter or
transitional housing facility.
Another 5,526 sought services at a non-residential
program.6
• The UN
Secretary-General’s Study on Violence Against Children conservatively
estimates that 275 million
children worldwide are exposed to violence in the home.7
Domestic
Violence Affects Children
• A Michigan study
of low-income pre-schoolers finds that children who have been
exposed to family violence suffer
symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, such as
bed-wetting or nightmares, and
are at greater risk than their peers of having allergies,
asthma, gastrointestinal
problems, headaches and flu. 8
• Children of
mothers who experience prenatal physical domestic violence are at an
increased risk of exhibiting
aggressive, anxious, depressed or hyperactive behavior. 9
• Females who are
exposed to their parents’ domestic violence as adolescents are
significantly more likely to
become victims of dating violence than daughters of
nonviolent parents.10
• Children who
experience childhood trauma, including witnessing incidents of
domestic violence, are at a
greater risk of having serious adult health problems
including tobacco use, substance
abuse, obesity, cancer, heart disease, depression and
a higher risk for unintended
pregnancy.11
• Physical abuse
during childhood increases the risk of future victimization among
women and the risk of future
perpetration of abuse by men more than two-fold. 12
What Helps
Children Exposed to Violence
The Facts on
Children and Domestic Violence
• Psychotherapy
designed for mothers and children together can increase the quality of
parenting and increase positive
outcomes for children. 13
• Many abusive men
are concerned about the effect of violence on their children and
the children of their partners.
Some may be motivated to stop using violence if they
understand the devastating
effects on their children. 14
• A safe, stable
and nurturing relationship with a caring adult can help a child
overcome the stress associated
with intimate partner violence. 15
Children
Trafficked and Exploited
• The World Health
Organization reports that 150 million girls experienced forced
sexual intercourse or other forms
of sexual violence in 2002.16
• Each year, more
than two million children are exploited in the global commercial sex
trade, many of them trapped in
prostitution.17
• According to the
International Labour Office, eight million children are trapped in the
worst forms of child labor, which
include slavery, trafficking, debt bondage, forced
recruitment for use in armed conflict, prostitution,
pornography and illicit activities.18
Domestic violence is such an awful thing that happens so often. It is something that I think can easily be stopped but people continue to make such mistakes and then get away with it. That is sad about the children you were fostering and I am sure that was not an easy transition for any of you.
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